making me bleed

i didn't even try to think you have this girlfriend that they say.. I would not think of any instance that you are together..For months i have treated myself crazy for many reasons that has something to do with you..i have not even talked to you but you seem so gentle..i have not even tried smiling at you so you won't say anything against me..i have not even known you that much yet im regretfully inlove with you..for that time scale, i cant believe i have this dangerous feelings i saved for you..and now here you are, smiling with the accompaniment of your expressive eyes..you whispers something in her cute little face...maybe you love her that much..definitely glamorous than i am..i understand..but i hope you here me cry in pain everytime you hold her hand..



--march 16,2007.....8:56pm...

cover me with dreams

how does it really feel when you are truly hopeless? is it worst than dying? or i guess no one could ever pin point what the hell it really means..every sentence provides something that is factual. each word signifies a moment of sadness. each letter proves something beyond everything anyone could ever imagine. Im feeling so ambitious..feeling so elated everytime a could read true stories. sometimes desperately talking to oneself proving something that is beyond everyones perception. No one could ever comprehend my expectations. no one could ever try to tap my shoulder forcefully telling me that im damn right! yes, i cant tell how.. i can see my tears diminishing everytime i could spell out your name. my voice quivering everytime i hear you scream. my knees falling unto each surface where i could see you stand. Yes, it is what you think. i think i am inlove with you. no...i am inlove with you.


----from a recognizable human being

can't see the point

--it is when you register unlimitxt but no one seems to text you back..
--when you notice him from a distance but you can't seem to give him a smile..
--you are in the same jeep, and you can't move (even your eyes)..
--its when you read his thoughts of happiness but you know that was not about you..
--he texted you all of a sudden,you cant reply(wla plang load)..




---sad..cry..cry..cry..

sa mga sandali..

pumupulupot pa rin ang mga makikisig na bisig sa nanghihinang nilalang..dahan-dahang inaangkin ang natitirang enerhiya sa bawat pag dukot sa iniingatan..maiitim ang naaaninag sa bawat pagbukas ng mga bilog na bagay..inaangat pa rin ang sarili..pinipilit..hanggang sa makarating sa mga sandali na wala na ang nilalang sa dating kinaroroonan..tamang-tama lang ang naiisip..daig na daig pa rin naman kahit anong maisipan..
isang malaking pader na ang kaharap..ayaw ng magpakita sa nakakasuklam na parte..iniiwasan..iba ang gusto..patuloy pa rin ang malalakas na pagdaloy ng pulang likido sa loob na naging dahilan ng mga nararamdaman..at sa bawat pagbaba sa inaasam, pawang pagtulak na lang sa hindi naman kayang itulak ang nagagawa..kasabay nito ang tunog na para bang musika sa tenga..ilang malalalim na hinga ang binitawan pero di pa rin sapat upang masimot ang sandaling tahimik ang mundo..walang maalala..isang pangyayaring mumulat sa isipang ng marami..ilang saglit na lang at mapapatunayan na..isa pa..at kuhang kuha mo na..


---traces of innocence

wag ka sanang maniwala..

may mga bagay na dapat iwasan na..ung tipong hindi na iisipin..at kung may mga sandaling maiisip,iuuntog ung ulo pra kalimutan man kung ano mang masakit at masaya..

ito ngaun ang naiisip ko habang nkatutok sa isang wlang kwentang bagay...mahirap ipaliwanag..lumiliwanag pag may gusto at kung wla naman..naturang ganun na siya katahimik..gusto ko sanang tulungan siyang maging isang pakawalang bagay..tumatalon,kumakain,lumalangoy,maglakad, at magmahal...pero pano man naman matuturuan ang isang bagay na wla namang karapatang maging ganun? nilikha lang siya sa isang dahilan..wla ng iba..hindi na siya kailanman mkakagawa ng mga bagay na gusto kong ipagawa sa kanya..iisa lang naman ang dahilan kung bakit siya nakikita ngaun..magbigay ng ilaw sa mga tao..un lang..sabihin mo nga? pano ko mabibigyan ng buhay ang isang bagay na mula pa nung una ay wla na tlagng buhay..pano ko pa kaya matuturo sa kanya ung mga ibang bagay na hindi naman niya ginagawa..sabihin mo nga...? wla ng paraan..ganun na cya eh..ganung ganun na cya..



saglit..sabihn mo nga..maari ko bang gawin ung mga bagay na hindi ko naman gingawa dati? isang pangungusap lang.....

bakit kelangang ipattern?

sinabi ko rin bang kasalanan mo? wlang me kasalanan..tlgang ganun lang ung nangyari..saglit ulit..saglit..bkit mko pinapatahimik..alm mo ang tama...alam ko ung tama...BAKIT? hindi ko ba sinubukang ibaluktot muli ang tamang ginawa ko nun?
sinabi mo..ayaw mo na...tangna! bakit kelangan mo ulit ipamukha saking ung mga bagay na hindi ko gngawa..binigo mko..binigo mko..tngna ulit..saglit..sglit ulit...inisip mo ba ung mga katagang un bago mo binitawan ng ganun ganun nlang..nahalata mo naman cguro na mula nun hindi na kita tnitx..pero saglit..hindi ko prin maiwanan ang tangnang nraramdaman!
bakit? sa tuwing kasama mo ba siya naiisip mko...saglit lang..wag knang magcnungaling pa..lam ko hindi..sa tuwing tinitx mo siya me pagkakataon bang isinabay mko sa pagtitx sakanya..tngna! mamatay na ako..pra ng sasabog..
ung mga pagkakataong binbgayan ako ng lakas ng loob pra itx ka, lam ko gusto mo rin akong itx..ramdam ko un..pero lam ko hindi magtatagal un..lam ko konting tx lang niya wla na ulit..tangna!
makalimutan?? kinalimutan mo na un..binaon mo na un sa npakalalim na balon at tinakpan ng mraming bangkay..
isipin mo ung mga sinabi mo noon..ispin mo..saglit..wag kang maging ganyan..isipin mo lang..cge isip..dba? tama ako.. ayaw mo na..ganun lang kasimple..un ang pinakasakit na mga katagang binitawan mo..ilang bote ang itinumba at ilang nilalang ang nadamay..ilang pusa ang nasaktan..ilang balot ang nasawi..ilang kawawang dahon ang pinaghahahampas..ilang cne ang di pinalampas..ilang tubig ang sinayang..ilang kagamitang nasira..ilang exams ang di pinasa! at ilang luha ang dumanak..me ideya kaba? WALA!
kasi masaya kna.,naaalala mo lang naman ito pag naaalala ko..
ikaw na ang me sabi..ung naghilom na ay muli pang nasugatan..KINALIMUTAN MO NA NGA..saglit..ngayon sabihin mo..me karapatan pa kaya akong ibaluktot uli ang tamang simulan? hindi na..hinding hindi na..mgpaksaya ka..mgpakasaya ka..kasama ng nilalang tama para sayo..

saglit lang..

Nakatunganga na naman sa kawalan..pigil na pigil na pero pilit paring bumubuhos ang bawat salitang naiisip..hindi mawari sa isipan kung panong biglang nawala ang iniingatang nilalang..saglit lang naman..cno ba tlga me kasalanan? ako ba? kasalanan ko bang itigil ang maling dinadanas at harapin ang tama? kasalanan ko bang maramdaman na tlgang wala at wlang mangyayari pag ito'y nagtuloy-tuloy na? sabihin mo nga kasalanan ko ba?

Iniisip ko pa rin naman ung mga ginawa natin dati ah..ung pagpuna mo sa mga kabulastugang ginagawa ko..ung mga panlilibre mo sakin..ung mga malalambing mong tx dati..ung mga pag aalala mo sakin...ung pagseselos mo(over acting)...ung mga kinakain nating kamote cue..ung pagtambay natin..ung mga sandaling nasa beach tau..lahat un naaalala ko pa..teka..ikaw ba? naaalala mo pa ba un?

Saglit lang kasi...nasunog ko na pla mga sulat mo..wla na rin akong pakialam kong ano man ung mga ginagawa ko ngaun..pasimple..hindi na rin naman ako nanghihingi ng load sau ngaun..at hindi na rin ako naghahangad ng mga pag aalala mo...wla ka na ring pagseselosan..(bakit pa?)...hindi na ako mahilig sa kamote cue..(nakakabantot ng utot)...sa org ko na rin ako tumatambay...wla na ring beach rito(puro swimming pools)...ano gulat ka?

Lam mo ba? lahat ng mga un namiss ko na...malaki na ipinagbago ko..mula sa inosenteng nilalang nagtransform na ako at naging isang mulat na indibidwal..iba na ang katauhan ko..isipin mo nga un..pano nangyari un? halata mo naman na tinitx pa kita...saglit lang...----- nahahalata mo ba un? ung paraan ng pagtx ko? iba na ba? saglit lang kasi..wag ka muna magsalita...iba na ako dba? wla ng mga katgang un pagkatapos ng bawat tx ko diba? diba?

Oo,, talgang tinatago ko yun..ayoko na magkamali...pero bakit ganun...? masaya ka..pero ako hindi..naiisip mo bang maging malungkot para sa akin? ung tipong iiwan mo ung mga nsayo ngaun pra samahan akong tumambay sa kawalan pra umisip ng mga bagay-bagay pra mapasaya ko ang sarili ko...saglit lang..kung gagawin mo un..hindi na ako mag iisip pa ng mga bagay na un..masaya na ako eh..andyan kna eh...saglit lang..wag nlng kaya..nasabi ko na..ayoko na magkamali..itatama ko na ang buhay ko..tama na ang buhay mo...ang buhay ko...(ewan)...

Saglit lang...teka...saglit lang naman..pwde bang tumigil ka muna..me sasabihin lang ako....teka..



----mahal pa rin kita....

im sorry

a night full of glittering stars and a unscented candle in front of our wasted faces..all were about to vanish...identical faces and red noses...itchy skin and all of a sudden a call of nature insisted...i keep on telling myself that it was not as i was thinkin'...i insisted to text somebody to prove to myself that i was not that shit enough..i ended up sleeping with my soiled clothes and all accesories on..im sorry..it was not that..i just missed you so much!

pain booster

normally its so happy to see some people being happy..such laughter cant be explained..yes i love the way you pose and i love the way you regain my strength everytime i stare at you at a distance of approximately 200km i guess..there's this feeling of satisfaction that no one could ever try to comprehend...i tried to draw you but no line could ever trace your pleasing facade..i tried to arrange a song for you but no words could explain you...i'd like to hug you..but you've flown away that fast..

it's just a boy

tears..i saw those tears..it was my tears back then..and it keep on repeating every process..she said she was suffering from sore throat and could not speak that much..suddenly a boy with that weird look appeared at our sight..he said OREGANO! oregano was the cure for soar throat..yes he was right..how could he possibly know that? smart boy..wisdom is not always acquired through books and publications...just learn..watch..feel...thats the essence of living here in this cruel world...

for jeyson

sunny day..rainy saturday i suppose...always shuts me up...that's him! ahahaha...long before the world has started jeyson has already evolved with a pair of black wings representing the son of the you know who...wahahaha...this must be fun..trying to step on someones dirty name...again..again and again...plak..plak..plak...
---jeyson binoang ra bitaw! ahahaha...wla lang lingaw ba...=) peace men!

i was thinkin'

i was so confused by some simple facts..this is unfair thinkin' that i was that stupid to think that those silly thoughts could possibly hurt me in the long run..really stupid...i was thinking, what if someone grabs me from behind and suddenly break my neck..isnt that a precious feeling or a sad end..i was just thinkin'...can i glorify him for what he had said that night when falling stars directly fall unto my floating mind?or will i throw some shit and tell him' "oh c'mon! i never said that i love you!" silly! yes my hero just flown away that fast..i was just thinkin that my hero seeks another helpless individual..afraid to be captured by this nobody in the society...=(

yeah its so sad

its sad to think that ur hero just flown away that fast....its not the relationship but the deep scar left in my innocent face..

enormous curiousity

great ideas cluttered very often in my mind. abused by dangerous feelings ang so much awaited by sinfulness. I am subjected to a possible year starter which could possibly spin everyone's expectations.i can probably sail to a demonic kingdom where everyone suffer sweet tortures and passionate conversations. yes, i dont have those desirable characteristics but someones gonna bring me there.....really close...

i was about to vomit...

stupid mind..i always want to forget all those stressful memories.. i would want to stab him!! let him fall bloody into that swampy side of the world!it was that sunny day when he came and turned into a stormy shit day when he left.. it was just a night with a vampire! i was left uncertain! i hate him! watching them stay happy burns my face!!

bitterness

Breathe in for luck, Breathe in so deep. This air is blessed, You share with meThis night is wild, So calm and dull. These hearts they race from self-control. Your legs are smooth as they graze mine. We're doing fine, We're doing nothing at all. My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me, so I die happy. My heart is yours to fill or burstto break or bury, or wear as jewelery. Which ever you prefer. The words are hushed lets not get busted,just lay entwined here undiscovered. Safe in here from all the stupid questions.. "hey did you get some?"Man, that is so dumb. Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear, so we can get some.Hands down this is the best date I can ever remember. I'll always remember the sound of the stereo.The dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair. That you twirled in your fingers. And the time on the clock when we realized it's so late. And this walk that we shared together. The streets were wet and the gate was locked. So I jumped it and let you in And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist. And you kissed me like you meant itAnd I knew, that you meant it. That you meant it, that you meant it. And I knew that you meant it, that you meant it.

aug 22, 2006

sobrang galit ang napapansin...madidiin ang paghampas ng hangin sa kaawa-awang niyog..halos matuklap ang spaltong daanan sa pagpatak ng malalaking butil ng ulan..lumiliwanag ang maamong itsura ng kapaligiran sa paglitaw ng mumunting kidlat...kasabay nito ang galit na ulap habang pinapatunog nito ang nakakatakot na tunog..nkatalukbong na ng kumot pero sinusundan pa rin..lungkot na lungkot tlga ang paligid na halos ala ng makitang bakas ng kasiyahan..natatabunan ng dilim ata hagupit ng tunog ang bawat sulok..kitang-kita ang bag-uunahang ulan sa bawat pagsilip..natatabunan na ang spaltong daanan ng magkahalong ulan at putik patungo sa kung saan..nagsisigawan na...lalong tinatakot!


titila rin...katulad na awayan....

the other side of me

hindi ko maintindihan ang kabilang bahagi ng sarili ko habang dinidiktahan niya ang isa pa...gusto niyang pitikin ang kaawa-awang nilalang na nkasabit pero pilit paring tinatakpan ng isa pa ang maling isipan..hinimas-himas ang dominanteng parte ng nilalang.. hindi patatalo sa tinatawanang hugis na katawan na nsa gitna. Tinutusok ito ng dalawang kakampi..nsasaktan ata ayaw paawat..sinisisi niya spagkat nung panahong mas kinailangan siya ang masunod ay hindi ngpapigil..ang hugis!!! Medyo naiinis kasi huli na tlga! ngawa na! nagmamarunong kasi! ala namang isip! patuloy lang sa pagsabog ang pulang likido sa bawat hagupit niya ng masasakit na salita..."yun lang ang trabaho mo at hindi kna dapt makialam!! isa nlng ang bubunutin na kita!!

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an immature rose and an immature band too..

sensed

For months I have formulated this letting go theory in my mind...Get over it...move on...But like i said, it's just a theory...constantly proven wrong every time I feel you touch.
I love spending time with you. I love watching you sleep(which often leaves me awake the whole time just watching you). I love to drown in your stare over the coffee table. I love checking my phone knowing that you rang mine. I love how your lips curve everytime you smile. I love the feel of your skin against mine. I love the way you make me melt in your arms everytime you say you love me. I simply love you...So you said you feel the same way for me too? But love was not enough. it never was.. A kiss won't fix it all.
It's a struggle to see you everyday, have you smile at me like that, and me having to hide the longing in my eyes, the trembling of my voice, the beating of my heart. It's cruel how distance makes me want you more..It's torture having me lay it plain and simple that whatever we have right now can never be brought to a higher level.
I could have loved you more, but I can't promise to make you happy, to give you what you need, what you want, what you deserve.
Whenever I'm with you, i become fragile,delicate,dependent..weak..But the mere thought that you're mine and mine alone is enough to put me up to the pedestal for me to reach the skies.. You are my strength, yet you are my great weakness.. You know that don't you?That's why you wallow in my sadness..Its hard for me as it is for you..Can't you see that though not a tear will fall for you. I am hurting...Feel the pain in my eyes.. I am suffering in silence.
Maybe what you said was true..I complicate things..Maybe because things aren't as easy as it was. I am a complex individual with my own dreams, my own goals, my own friends. And maybe time will come that i'll be ready to make that leap to your world, leaving my dreams, goals and ambitions.


My whole being is screaming for you..Can you hear it? I hope you do...